"I can" has to become "I will!"

I don't know why I'm starting this blog. Let me rephrase that - I do know why I'm starting this blog, I just don't know what to expect from it just yet. I know that writing has always been a catharsis for me, I also hope to gain motivation and accountability.

We've all heard the phrase being "sick and tired of being sick and tired." But what does it mean to come to the end of yourself and REALLY be tired and fed-up. I believe I have come to that point. Let's start with some background info....

I have had self-image issues all of my life; but have been struggling with my weight for about five years. I know what many of you are thinking: No, I'm not obese, but I could stand to lose a few pounds. Moreover, I could stand to learn how to LIVE! How to control my eating habits and not have food control me. Yes, it's that serious. Why? It's simple. If I can look in the mirror and not like what I see, yet continue to eat cookies instead of apples, something is WRONG! 

I've heard it all: "You're not fat!" "Stop beating up on yourself!" "You have a beautiful shape." The list goes on. I won't reveal my weight just yet; just know that if I did most of you would be shocked. I am a lot heavier that what I look, and I am not in the shape that I would like to be.

Allow me to be clear. My weight itself is not my real issue. The fact that I can't seem to get a handle on something that's so important to me is what scares me more. I am a realist. I try to remain honest about whatever the situation is, and the reality is that this has gotten completely out of control. For so many years I was able to eat whatever I wanted without worry about gaining a pound. I think that I've held on to that notion for so long, and I haven't been able to reckon with the fact that I am not that person anymore. Maybe it's age, maybe my metabolism slowed down - whatever the cause, I cannot just indulge without fear of gaining weight. Some people have that luxury, I am NOT one of those people. The first step is acknowledgement, right?

So, here I am today. Just getting my thoughts out, and stating my intentions. I am praying that this is it for me. I have tried and failed SO many times. It is depressing. To start out strong, and fall flat on my face - time and time again. I seem to have such a good hold on other areas of my life. It kills me that I can't win this battle.

I've decided to try it again. To eat clean and work out. That is the ONLY way to lose weight and keep it off. I know these things like I know my first name. What I can't line my actions up with this fact is far BEYOND me.

If you will, I'll take you on this journey with me. Monday starts the dawning of a new day. It's that or every mirror in my house goes out of the window! Something has to give. Enough has become enough!